It’s been a while… but alcohol keeps me busy…

I know, I haven’t written a post in a long time, so I’m back with a post about drinking. I’ll give an update on my life (boring!) another time.

So, here is a list of things you will hear me say when I’m drunk and how you should handle my words of wisdom.

I’m drunk!

Pretty self-explanatory – I like to inform people of my current state while hanging on to their hand or arm. This is to prepare them for my behaviour for the rest of the night so that they know nothing I say or do should be held against me on a personal level.

Image

Take note of what I say and try not to get annoyed by how many times you will still hear it. 

I feel like dancing, let’s go dance!

I love dancing, but I don’t have a booty to shake or any particular awesome moves that will get me on So you think you can dance? But you know, after you’ve had a few Jagers, you think you’ve got the moves like Jagger. (I don’t though, it’s embarrassing.)

Image

Dance with me, it usually sobers me up so you only have to deal with the embarrassment for a while and you won’t have to deal with drunk me for the whole night. Win! Also, Jazz hands!

Woohoo!

Yep. I’m one of those girls.

Just go with it. 

Come with me, we should have a shot!

This is always a bad idea.

Image

Do not listen to me when I say this. Ignore me. Run away. Drag me back to the dance floor or have someone pin me down like a wrestler, but for god’s sake DO NOT have another shot with me. 

Just give me the bottle, the glass doesn’t take enough. 

I’m very classy in that when I party at my house (I don’t do this in public – right there, I lied) I tend to just drink straight from the bottle. And I’m not just talking about beer here… Poised ladies around the world are shaking their heads in disappointment.

Image

DO NOT give me the bottle and do not let me out of your sight for one second, because I can get sneaky when I’ve had too much to drink. 

Can we get MacDonald’s?

I will make you sit in the drive-through for an hour if it means that I can go to bed with a stomach full of MacDonald’s happiness. And the next day, I will complain of a stomach ache.

Image

You should just do as I say; I can be very demanding when I’m drunk. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m always demanding.  

Wanna party?

Advertisements

July 28, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 2 comments.

Did I mention I have a new job?

Yes, I’m no longer working as a Project Manager in publishing, so I’m not sure what I’m going to write about, since I’m actually enjoying my new job 🙂 it has its rough moments though, but nothing really to write about on here (not yet anyway)…

I could write about this though: The turmoil of taking the bus to work.

Yes, I’m now in a position to take the bus to and from work. This suits me perfectly as I have severe road-rage and not having to drive does wonders for my body and soul. As well as my mind – since I have no murderous thoughts. I feel like a whole new person, I feel light and happy and good!

Anyway, besides all that happiness that no one wants to hear about, I have some irks on the bus. Like people coughing with their mouths wide open (thanks for the spit buddy, I forgot to shower this morning and I don’t yet have the particular strain of germ you are carrying, so I get a double dose of disgusting).

There’s also a lady who does the following. For the whole of the bus ride from home to work, she listens to one song ON REPEAT. The same song over and over for about an hour. And the funny thing is, so does the rest of the bus! Her earphones are those that don’t really muffle what you listen to, so it sounds like a radio playing out of her ear. I now (when she’s on the bus) have the pleasure of listening to David Guetta’s Titanium for an hour. Sometimes my ears start to bleed, other times I just softly cry and rock myself, but the worst is when I softly sing along in my head.

Side note: I have an iPod, but sometimes I forget to charge it, because I’m forgetful. Guys I have to share this too, because I feel so tech savvy, I’m posting this from my phone so I hope it looks okay. By the way, her song of choice hasn’t changed for a month.

This is often how I feel.

This is often how I feel.

July 13, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

So you unfriended me on Facebook… and I found out.

I'm so sad. Can't you see??

Usually this would not bother me. But since I’m writing about this on my blog, it’s obviously bothering me a tiny bit. You know what makes this instance so much different from the rest of the assholes (or am I the asshole since they unfriended me *shrug*) that unfriended me? Because we actually go around in the same group of friends you moron! Thanks for creating an awkward situation.

Alas, I have decided to trump you. And at our next social gathering, I will tell you to your face: I saw the other day I had one less friend on Facebook. Turns out, it was you! Now that is something I am very good at, making an awkward situation, ten times more AWKWARD! I cannot express to my readers how super-duper excited I am about this 🙂 and I would love to see your reaction so we can get this sorted out a.s.a.p.

Unfriended in real life too.

I am however, wondering about this occurrence. You did not unfriend my boyfriend, or any of our other mutual friends (yes, I’ve done my digging thoroughly. As we have previously established, I have excellent stalking talents).

So, I’ve listed some of the reasons for this unfriend-ly situation to occur:

1. Your extremely jealous girlfriend did this horrendous thing and you have no clue. Yes, I know that she has been jealous of me since we met, because you had a tiny, miniscule crush on me six years ago. SIX YEARS AGO. Did you get that last part? It’s so long ago I have trouble remembering my age back then. If this is the case, please tell her to grow the fuck up. No one cares about shit that happened six years ago.

2. I am one of those people on Facebook who bombard you with stupid requests and update my status a thousand times a day. I’m not like that and I have 100 Facebook friends who can prove it.

3. I annoy the crap out of you. Well, this one is probably the most likely cause. You want to know why? It’s because at social gatherings where I am forced to interact with the miserable person you are, I always try to be a little funny and act a little stupid so that maybe, just maybe, you would crack a smile and stop being such a grown-up asshole. You are only a few years older than me, so please, pull the big grown-up carrot out of your bum and laugh a little. I promise you, your face will not crack and your teeth will not fall out. Maybe you could think back to how absolutely adorable I was six years ago? If you can remember that far back. Otherwise, just ask your girlfriend.

You are annoying.
Yes. I know I am, but what are you?

 4. You actually just don’t want to be my friend and there is no more to it. Well, this is just not true. Because I am an awesome, friendly, hilariously funny, extroverted individual that people just want to friend all the time. Haven’t you seen I have like 100 Facebook friends? An all-time record of having the most friends on Facebook. There is no way that this is the reason.

My readers might ask: ImagineWisdom, what makes this different from the public humiliation you suffered when that shit restaurant you un-followed on Twitter broadcasted to the whole of Twitterland that you are not their Twitter-friend anymore?  Not much different. I actually got the idea for this post from there. Thanks shit restaurant for your brilliant idea. 

Well, I can’t wait to see you again my unfriended friend. It’s time for some AWKWARD! 

 

P.s. Seriously, who installs a Twitter app to let them know when someone un-follows them? And then they re-tweet it for all of Twitter to see. Shame man, get a life!

*Disclaimer: Some of this post is written in Sarcasm-mode, and some of it is not. You can just make up your own mind about that.

April 11, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Friends, Uncategorized. 3 comments.

I’ve lost my shadow!

Last week it felt like something was amiss in my life. 

Something is missing

 

Like I’d lost my shadow – a constant companion.

Shadow? Where art thou?

 

There were just too many open spaces around me. I felt lonely. 

So much space...

 

But then I looked again. You know. Like when you see something out of the corner of your eye?

"Miaauw?"

 

How could I miss him?

"Here I am!"

 

My constant shadow was back to follow me everywhere. 

"Love me! Love me! Love me!"

 

And all was good again.

"!!!!LOVE ME!!!!"

 

Meet my cat, Ash. I call him Katjie. He likes to follow me around and attack my legs. But I’m sure he loves me 🙂 because I feed him and give him cuddles.

March 1, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . Animals, Uncategorized. 7 comments.

What? It’s 2012 already?!

No pretty pictures or songs today. Just some words to take with you into 2012.

Perfect. What does the concept even mean? The Oxford Dictionary of English defines it as: “having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be” (2010:1320). I have to laugh really loud here. Excuse me. But has anyone ever achieved that state of being? You could be thinking your work is perfect, your relationship is perfect, that your LIFE is perfect. But is it really? How sure are you about it? Since nothing in this life is guaranteed. What do you even measure/compare it against?

Beware though. You could think your work is perfect… and then get fired. You could think your relationship is perfect… and then your boyfriend cheats on you. You could think your life is perfect… and then someone close to you dies. And guess what? The word “perfect” no longer exists in your vocabulary.

Who even thought to create a word like that? What could they possibly have been trying to explain/express when creating that word?

“Perfect” is just an illusion. No such thing exists in the reality we live in, as there is always space for improvement in this life. We are never really satisfied, even when we think we have achieved perfection, there is always something more.

So, my message to you for 2012 is: don’t live our life striving to be this “perfect” illusion of yourself in any facet of your life, rather just strive to be you, with all your faults and truths. People appreciate people who are true to themselves, and find “perfect” people, perfectly irritating.

December 31, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 8 comments.

Music makes the world go round

I don’t know how you feel about music. But since I was born, music has played a very big part in my life. Here is an example to show you just how much music I listen to in a day.

I get up in the morning and put on the radio to listen to the traffic reports and the news, but I am listening to music too (and unfortunately the most annoying laughter and chatter from the presenters).

When I drive I have the radio or a CD on.

At work I listen to music on my iPod or on the internet.

When I am at home there is always music playing in my room, be it on my laptop or a CD or the radio. (Except when I sleep, then I need absolute silence and darkness.)

When I go to gym I listen to my iPod or VH1 on the machine.

So, as you can see there is always a tune playing somewhere. Plus when I must have a silent moment there is always a song playing in my head, I think they call it ear-worms? That’s when you can’t get a song out of your head. It happens to me all the time!

What this constant sound of music in my life does though, is it makes me associate certain memories, occurrences and people with certain songs. This is great! But sometimes the music is associated with bad/sad memories and I actually don’t listen to that particular song for a while until I feel that memory hurts less.

One of the interesting things is, we all attribute different meanings to different songs. We don’t all think that one song means one thing. Unless you personally know the artists, you don’t know what he was trying to say. You have your own interpretation and maybe someone else’s. But in the end, art is what you want it to be for you. By analysis of words and emotions it brings up in you, you make a decision as to what you want this song to mean to you.

I wanted to share this song with you. It’s Skinny Love by Bon Iver, but it is the Das Kapital rerub. Skinny Love is an incredible song in its own right – nice acoustic guitar, beautiful lyrics and Justin Vernon’s voice is raw with passion and emotion. But this mix is just awesome! Whenever I feel a bit down, I play this and instantly my head is bobbing to it, I’m humming along and I just feel my mood lift. Take a listen and let me know what you think…

P.s. Thanks to http://www.themostdefinitely.com/ for introducing me to this song 🙂 I found it there. Oh and thanks to soundcloud for the clip. And thanks to Justin Vernon for making sad-love sound so beautiful (yes, this was my interpretation of the song). And thanks to Das Kapital for lightening my mood every time.

September 12, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 2 comments.

It was B-I-G

No, not that! And it’s not “what she said”. I know what you were thinking of and you should be ashamed 😉

We live in South Africa which is on the African continent. And when people from certain overseas countries hear this, they instinctively ask questions like: “Do you live in a hut? Do you have a pet lion? Do you ride around on elephants?”

The answer in my head usually goes: “Did you just fall out from space you fucking moron. No, get clued up. We live in a normal city like you. It has an infrastructure thus we drive in cars. And no, “pet lions” do not exist, but please do visit the Kruger National Park and try to pet the friendly cats. It will do humanity some good to have you removed from this planet.” But the real answer goes: “No, to all of the above.” (Accompanied by a sarcastic fake smile).

But sometimes it feels like we do live in the bush. I am talking about when the “pets” that inhabit our garden decide to invade our home during winter. These “pets” are fiercely frightening creatures called Rain Spiders. They should be called “peek-a-boos”. Why do you ask?

Spider peeking out

Well, you’ll be walking around in the house when suddenly something above your head catches your eye. “Peek-a-boo! I see you!” the spider calls. You let out a scream like a girl (wait I am a girl) You let out a scream like a frightened four-year-old and you freeze. Too scared to move, because if you do, it might jump on you due to it being frightened by your sudden movement. You close your eyes and hope you are imagining yourself. But then you’re like: “No! If my eyes are closed I can’t see him”. So, you open them and slowly back away. When you are far enough out of jump-range you do a little funny shake/shrug dance while making a shivering sound.

Spiderman(size)

This is the effect these spiders have on people. Even on men.

We have had five of these visitors in one month (enough to traumatize anyone out of their jolly mind), even though our house is clean. The thing is, they can sense when it is going to rain and they start making their way to shelter and warmth. And well, what better place is there than a warm house?

Spider thug

How to get rid of a rain spider.

  1. You do not kill it. They are actually pretty magnificent creatures.
  2. You either catch it in a towel or you do the old glass bottle with cardboard or paper at the opening and place it outside as far away from the house as possible. Maybe even in the neighbours’ garden.
  3. Good luck with point one and two, because by the time you have to remove it you have worked yourself into such frenzy you are ready to poop your pants.

But all of this shows you something. Humans did not inhabit the places where suburbia is situated today. Suburbia came and disturbed the ecosystem of the world. The rain spider must actually be catching us and placing us in bottles, because we came and invaded their home looking for warmth and shelter.

P.S. Imagine how awesome it would be to ride on elephants and have pet lions. Nice! However, imagine how the world would be if rain spiders where big enough to catch humans and place them in bottles. Gross.

August 26, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Avoid if possible

I’ve been working in publishing for nine months now and there is something I have come to realise: there is a certain type of person who should not work in publishing, and that type is ME! Why would I think this?

Well, people like me make other people nervous.

This is a conversation my direct manager and I had. Please note: my direct manager is a lady who is not fazed by anything.

DM: Hey dude

Me: Hey!

DM: Have you been in my office lately? No wait. Have you seen my desk lately?

Me: – Swivelling my chair around looking into her office – Yes. Why?

DM: Dude, my desk is chaotic, but yours makes me anxious! – Looks at my desk like it is launching a paper-attack on her

Desk on the left side

Desk on the right side

Yes, my desk looks like a mini nuclear paper bomb has been dropped. Here’s the thing though, I know where everything is. If you had to come to my desk and ask for last months proposal forms, I know where to find it. I know it’s under last months stuff lying on the left corner of my desk (somewhere). 

I would probably make a really good hoarder one day.

Friend: Hey you! Where is that card I gave you in Grade 5?

Me: Oh the one with the pink frills? It’s in pile row number five of room eight under the old Cosmopolitan magazines from 2008.

Friend: Wow.

Anyway, I still love my job and my chaotic desk does not affect my ability to do it. Plus I am pretty sure I would not fit into any other industry 🙂

August 17, 2011. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Be wise… Take a quiz

So, because I am a serious animal lover with too much time on my hands I did a few online quizzes about what type of dog would one day suit my family/house/me. The person who created this was clever, because many families end up with dogs that they give away after a few months because they are too active or they bite or they are too big, etc.  

My answers went something like this.

1. Where do you live?

Apartment, duplex, house with small garden, house with big garden, farm.

(Obviously I cannot foretell the future so these are all based on my hopes and dreams. Also, I am trying to be realistic, and even though I would love to live in a house with a massive garden I do not know if I will be able to afford that. I work in publishing not law.)

2. Do you want a child-friendly dog?

A)     Yes, because I have like three children and want more.

B)      Yes, because I have one child.

C)      Nah, I hate children and my dog should eat them.

(Once again I am being realistic. I am not very fond of children, I like my nephews and nieces and that’s about it. But I wouldn’t mind having one. And if for some weird reason it’s twins I wouldn’t mind having two, but that’s where it is going to end. Also, I don’t know how rich I’ll be and children make money disappear like Lego blocks and once again, I work in publishing not law.)

3. Are you active?

A)     Yes, my dog needs to take me for a run.

B)      In moderation, my dog needs to take walks.

C)      No, my dog needs to be a couch potato like me.

(Realistically, I run at the gym, so my dog won’t be going there. But I won’t mind taking it for strolls along the beach or to the park and throwing the ball.)

4. How often do you want to groom your dog?

A)     All the time. I would brush him like I brushed my Barbie’s hair.

B)      Sometimes, I don’t want fluff everywhere.

C)      I would prefer a dog that does not take a lot of grooming.

D)     What is grooming?

(I would love a dog with fluffy hair, but I am lazy when it comes to grooming. I hardly brush my own hair, but I won’t mind giving him a quick brush every now and again and bathing him.)

5. Do you want a guard dog?

A)     Uhm helloooo! I live in South Africa! Duh!

B)      My dog should bark when someone tries to enter my property.

C)      I said I want a couch potato.

(Be realistic people. You might live in South Africa, but that doesn’t mean you want a dog that attacks every living thing that enters your property. You can get a dog that alerts you when something in the environment changes, but that doesn’t attack without question.)

6. Do you want a toy, medium or large breed?

A)     Toy.

B)      Medium.

C)      Large.

D)     No preference.

(I really don’t mind since I want a small and a big dog. Ha! Tricked you, quiz.)

Okay, that’s all the questions I can remember. Here were the top choices I got from three different quizzes.

Whippet

Greater Swiss Mountain Dog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Landseer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am excited about this and it’s only for the future me 🙂 Which one do you think I should get?

What kind of dog would suit you?

Be wise and take a quiz before deciding to buy an animal 🙂

August 15, 2011. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Irritation

What exactly is irritation?

It is that feeling you get when everything at work is flowing smoothly, your work is up-to-date, you are in a good mood, your bread for lunch looks delicious and then suddenly, BOOM! Your very old colleague who is older than your boss/your mom/your gran/really old people comes and patronizes you while you were trying to do something nice for her before she even started working here, because you knew she was going to have trouble catching up. You try to stay calm, because your mom taught you to be a nice Afrikaans girl with good manners and respect for older people. But you feel it. The itch. Creeping up your neck, spreading to your ear, into your hair. It feels like everything is itching. Your fingers start drumming, your eyes start to glaze over and your ears are buzzing. But you stay calm (even though everyone has been telling you your face gives you away and you should never try playing poker professionally). You stay calm even though you have images in your head where you are telling her to go away and be old somewhere else. Rude, rude, rude. You stay calm until exactly the second she leaves then you plug-in your earphones and blast the music very loudly while having rude thoughts about her having to stay away from work for a while (obviously you don’t want her to die, you just want her to go away and bother someone else) and you type up a blog entry. It’s not like you can go and punch something, or go run the treadmill at the gym or do anything that would put your irritation to good use.

And you think: I don’t hate old people, I love them. They give me sweets and money and they know how to bake fresh bread. But god damn it, that lady makes me see seven shades of red and black dots every time she creeps up behind me and asks me what I am doing at the EXACT moment I take a five minute break to check out damnyouautocorrect.

Mood = ruined.

The face of irritation

August 10, 2011. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Next Page »