It was B-I-G

No, not that! And it’s not “what she said”. I know what you were thinking of and you should be ashamed 😉

We live in South Africa which is on the African continent. And when people from certain overseas countries hear this, they instinctively ask questions like: “Do you live in a hut? Do you have a pet lion? Do you ride around on elephants?”

The answer in my head usually goes: “Did you just fall out from space you fucking moron. No, get clued up. We live in a normal city like you. It has an infrastructure thus we drive in cars. And no, “pet lions” do not exist, but please do visit the Kruger National Park and try to pet the friendly cats. It will do humanity some good to have you removed from this planet.” But the real answer goes: “No, to all of the above.” (Accompanied by a sarcastic fake smile).

But sometimes it feels like we do live in the bush. I am talking about when the “pets” that inhabit our garden decide to invade our home during winter. These “pets” are fiercely frightening creatures called Rain Spiders. They should be called “peek-a-boos”. Why do you ask?

Spider peeking out

Well, you’ll be walking around in the house when suddenly something above your head catches your eye. “Peek-a-boo! I see you!” the spider calls. You let out a scream like a girl (wait I am a girl) You let out a scream like a frightened four-year-old and you freeze. Too scared to move, because if you do, it might jump on you due to it being frightened by your sudden movement. You close your eyes and hope you are imagining yourself. But then you’re like: “No! If my eyes are closed I can’t see him”. So, you open them and slowly back away. When you are far enough out of jump-range you do a little funny shake/shrug dance while making a shivering sound.

Spiderman(size)

This is the effect these spiders have on people. Even on men.

We have had five of these visitors in one month (enough to traumatize anyone out of their jolly mind), even though our house is clean. The thing is, they can sense when it is going to rain and they start making their way to shelter and warmth. And well, what better place is there than a warm house?

Spider thug

How to get rid of a rain spider.

  1. You do not kill it. They are actually pretty magnificent creatures.
  2. You either catch it in a towel or you do the old glass bottle with cardboard or paper at the opening and place it outside as far away from the house as possible. Maybe even in the neighbours’ garden.
  3. Good luck with point one and two, because by the time you have to remove it you have worked yourself into such frenzy you are ready to poop your pants.

But all of this shows you something. Humans did not inhabit the places where suburbia is situated today. Suburbia came and disturbed the ecosystem of the world. The rain spider must actually be catching us and placing us in bottles, because we came and invaded their home looking for warmth and shelter.

P.S. Imagine how awesome it would be to ride on elephants and have pet lions. Nice! However, imagine how the world would be if rain spiders where big enough to catch humans and place them in bottles. Gross.

August 26, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.