So you unfriended me on Facebook… and I found out.

I'm so sad. Can't you see??

Usually this would not bother me. But since I’m writing about this on my blog, it’s obviously bothering me a tiny bit. You know what makes this instance so much different from the rest of the assholes (or am I the asshole since they unfriended me *shrug*) that unfriended me? Because we actually go around in the same group of friends you moron! Thanks for creating an awkward situation.

Alas, I have decided to trump you. And at our next social gathering, I will tell you to your face: I saw the other day I had one less friend on Facebook. Turns out, it was you! Now that is something I am very good at, making an awkward situation, ten times more AWKWARD! I cannot express to my readers how super-duper excited I am about this 🙂 and I would love to see your reaction so we can get this sorted out a.s.a.p.

Unfriended in real life too.

I am however, wondering about this occurrence. You did not unfriend my boyfriend, or any of our other mutual friends (yes, I’ve done my digging thoroughly. As we have previously established, I have excellent stalking talents).

So, I’ve listed some of the reasons for this unfriend-ly situation to occur:

1. Your extremely jealous girlfriend did this horrendous thing and you have no clue. Yes, I know that she has been jealous of me since we met, because you had a tiny, miniscule crush on me six years ago. SIX YEARS AGO. Did you get that last part? It’s so long ago I have trouble remembering my age back then. If this is the case, please tell her to grow the fuck up. No one cares about shit that happened six years ago.

2. I am one of those people on Facebook who bombard you with stupid requests and update my status a thousand times a day. I’m not like that and I have 100 Facebook friends who can prove it.

3. I annoy the crap out of you. Well, this one is probably the most likely cause. You want to know why? It’s because at social gatherings where I am forced to interact with the miserable person you are, I always try to be a little funny and act a little stupid so that maybe, just maybe, you would crack a smile and stop being such a grown-up asshole. You are only a few years older than me, so please, pull the big grown-up carrot out of your bum and laugh a little. I promise you, your face will not crack and your teeth will not fall out. Maybe you could think back to how absolutely adorable I was six years ago? If you can remember that far back. Otherwise, just ask your girlfriend.

You are annoying.
Yes. I know I am, but what are you?

 4. You actually just don’t want to be my friend and there is no more to it. Well, this is just not true. Because I am an awesome, friendly, hilariously funny, extroverted individual that people just want to friend all the time. Haven’t you seen I have like 100 Facebook friends? An all-time record of having the most friends on Facebook. There is no way that this is the reason.

My readers might ask: ImagineWisdom, what makes this different from the public humiliation you suffered when that shit restaurant you un-followed on Twitter broadcasted to the whole of Twitterland that you are not their Twitter-friend anymore?  Not much different. I actually got the idea for this post from there. Thanks shit restaurant for your brilliant idea. 

Well, I can’t wait to see you again my unfriended friend. It’s time for some AWKWARD! 

 

P.s. Seriously, who installs a Twitter app to let them know when someone un-follows them? And then they re-tweet it for all of Twitter to see. Shame man, get a life!

*Disclaimer: Some of this post is written in Sarcasm-mode, and some of it is not. You can just make up your own mind about that.

April 11, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Friends, Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Stalker mentality

Why is it so difficult to reach people who think they are very busy and important? I don’t get it. I’m busy and yet I still have time to reply to an email or return a phone call. And yes, it’s quite a crucial matter actually. She should know this, since she’s so damn important being a marketing manager for a very big bank firm in our country, and well, the WORLD! And yet, even though she is so very high-up in ranking she does not know how to accomplish the simple task of picking up the phone or typing out an effortless email.

It started with me phoning every week (like a stalker) leaving messages on her work phone. It went like this:

I am assured by the receptionist that she is in office. They refuse to give me her email address.

Phone rings twice, and goes straight to voice mail.

I leave a detailed message stating my business, phone number and email address.

Ignore. (You know, like on Facebook, ignoring a friend request. Except, this is not a friend request, it is a BUSINESS REQUEST.)

Repeat four times.

So, I had to resort to extreme stalker mentality. And I did a search of her name and the company’s name on Google, like this: her name, her surname, the company’s name. And guess what? I found it.

(Oh, and in case you didn’t know, I am really, really good at finding things on the internet. My research skills are tremendously awesome.)

Then I had to type out an email. I spent a whole lot of time trying to find the appropriate words to voice my utter annoyance at her wasting my precious time. Here are some ideas I had:

Dear Maud

I have phoned four times now, and you have chosen to ignore me. I then had to resort to more frowned upon explorations to find your email address, since your company is too anal to give out. And now, I shall stalk you into replying to my request, like I stalked the internet to find your precious email address.

(This one seemed too psychopath-like to me)

Dear Maud

Fuck you for not returning my call and wasting my time. I hate you and your guts and I don’t even know you. But hey, here I am sucking up to you so that you can say YES. Please see my request below.

(This one seemed a bit aggressive)

Dear Maud

I have left four time-consuming messages on your work phone. They were very self-explanatory with easy to follow instructions. Could it be that you are deaf and could not hear them? Could it be that you have broken both your arms and cannot dial my number or email me? Or is it that you are just too plain stupid to follow instructions? If it is the latter, please explain to me how you excelled to get your current position in the company. I would love to incorporate the same tactics so that I too can be lazy, stupid and incompetent and still occupy a very high and mighty position.

(This one seemed too patronising)

Yes, in the end my email was professional and had easy to follow instructions. Let’s hope I hear back from her, or else who knows what resorts I will have to take to get an answer out of her. Maybe start stalking her home phone? Or home address?

Hmm. We’ll see.

January 16, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Work annoyance. 6 comments.