I miss my brother

I just got home from celebrating my brother’s 36th birthday, coincidently, also the 3 year anniversary of his death.

My brother died 3 years ago on his birthday. Yes, it was unexpected. You don’t expect to go to your big brother’s 33rd birthday, look for him for four hours and then find him in a morgue.

Anyway. I miss him a lot. A bunch of his friends told some interesting stories of him tonight and I’m glad I heard them. When he was still here, he would often tell me stories of when he was younger and the shit he got up to.

My brother was very much into music, especially guitar. He played since the age of 13. And he was good. I’m not just saying it because he was my brother, you can ask anyone, he was really good. I remember when I was young I was never allowed to touch his guitar, it was like a holy piece of equipment. So, when I was alone and no one was watching, I would sneak up to it and softly strum it with my index finger.

As I got older a big part of our relationship revolved around music. I would sit in his room for hours, smoke his Camel Filter cigarettes, talk about his travels and listen to him as he tried to teach me what good music was. He tried his best to teach me how to play Redemption Song, but piano was more my thing back then. People still don’t get that there are some songs that I just can’t listen too.

Now his guitar is just sitting in our living room, like it’s just waiting for him to come out and play the shit out if it. We wish you would.

A fond memory I have of my brother is from when I was very young. We didn’t get along very well back then, we fought a lot (well, we did have an 11 year gap between us). I was also quite the little pain in the ass so I can just imagine what it must have been like to have me as a baby sister. So this one morning (when I was about 4) I wake up and my parents are not home. I start freaking out. Screaming and crying and just totally going into a frenzy. I clearly remember thinking that they had abandoned me (take note: they only went to the shop). I thought I was totally alone in the world. Then from nowhere, my brother starts calling me. I was surprised he was home and that, in fact, I was allowed into his room, which I never was. I can’t remember the words spoken that day, but what I do remember is him telling me that I can lie next to him but I must keep absolutely quite and I mustn’t move unnecessarily. I have a photo to prove this incident, because when my parents got home and saw this they could not believe their eyes. In the picture we are both smiling and we are lying in bed next to each together in the exact same position. This to me, was an amazing incident. It proved that he loved me. And he always did.

One of your life long friends made an interesting comment tonight: it’s not that we have forgotten you, it’s just that the pain of remembering has gotten easier to bear.

To end off, I will quote the words from the song we played at your funeral, Metallica’s “Fade to Black” (you weren’t depressed or anything, you just really liked Metallica and apparently you had a thing going with your friends – that if you died young this would be the song that played):

Yesterday seems as though it never existed

Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye



Your head stone


Your favourite thing in the world

I am aware that this post is pretty incoherent and the paragraphs have no relation to each other, but tonight I don’t really care much. We miss you.


February 22, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . Music, Sad. 3 comments.

Music makes the world go round

I don’t know how you feel about music. But since I was born, music has played a very big part in my life. Here is an example to show you just how much music I listen to in a day.

I get up in the morning and put on the radio to listen to the traffic reports and the news, but I am listening to music too (and unfortunately the most annoying laughter and chatter from the presenters).

When I drive I have the radio or a CD on.

At work I listen to music on my iPod or on the internet.

When I am at home there is always music playing in my room, be it on my laptop or a CD or the radio. (Except when I sleep, then I need absolute silence and darkness.)

When I go to gym I listen to my iPod or VH1 on the machine.

So, as you can see there is always a tune playing somewhere. Plus when I must have a silent moment there is always a song playing in my head, I think they call it ear-worms? That’s when you can’t get a song out of your head. It happens to me all the time!

What this constant sound of music in my life does though, is it makes me associate certain memories, occurrences and people with certain songs. This is great! But sometimes the music is associated with bad/sad memories and I actually don’t listen to that particular song for a while until I feel that memory hurts less.

One of the interesting things is, we all attribute different meanings to different songs. We don’t all think that one song means one thing. Unless you personally know the artists, you don’t know what he was trying to say. You have your own interpretation and maybe someone else’s. But in the end, art is what you want it to be for you. By analysis of words and emotions it brings up in you, you make a decision as to what you want this song to mean to you.

I wanted to share this song with you. It’s Skinny Love by Bon Iver, but it is the Das Kapital rerub. Skinny Love is an incredible song in its own right – nice acoustic guitar, beautiful lyrics and Justin Vernon’s voice is raw with passion and emotion. But this mix is just awesome! Whenever I feel a bit down, I play this and instantly my head is bobbing to it, I’m humming along and I just feel my mood lift. Take a listen and let me know what you think…

P.s. Thanks to http://www.themostdefinitely.com/ for introducing me to this song 🙂 I found it there. Oh and thanks to soundcloud for the clip. And thanks to Justin Vernon for making sad-love sound so beautiful (yes, this was my interpretation of the song). And thanks to Das Kapital for lightening my mood every time.

September 12, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 2 comments.